The beginning

Wanting to start writing and sharing it with people is not something that comes easily to everyone. There have been a lot of struggles that have made me wonder if others have gone through the same thing. So while everyone is sleeping, this is the first step.

My childhood has done a lot to shape me in similar ways it probably does for all of us. I’ve gone through times of trying to figure out who I am... and I don’t always feel like I’ve figured it out. Instead of feeling like a confident woman in my 30s, I feel like a young girl who lacks confidence in ways that make me cringe.

I grew up in a conservative Christian household, and for the most part, I am sure people still consider me a conservative Christian. I was homeschooled, without a mother, tutored by the wife of one of my dads coworkers because my step mother disliked me and my older sister so much. After enough time, the feeling the mutual.

Fast forward many years, and I have my own child/ren... and life is so different than I was told it would be.

I was told staying at home with my child/ren would be a huge blessing. That they are a joy, and I should be happy. I see so many other homeschool mothers who seem to have it all figured out. Sure, they talk about some of their difficulties, but why does it feel so far removed from the struggles I’m having?

The truth is, I am not enjoying many parts of motherhood, or staying at home. I don’t think I'm particularly domestic, so the daily household tasks seem like a burden, and the kid/s temper tantrums feel like they are ruling my life. How did I get here?

I envisioned myself as a much different mother. Even a different person. Someone who doesn’t let the depression and anxiety of the past 20 years dictate my demeanor... but this is where I find myself. I look at past pictures of myself and hate empty feeling the camera captures. I honestly try not to have pictures of myself taken, or look at past pictures of myself very often.

That leads me to this blog.

Someone said something a few days ago, and I feel like it hit me so hard. They said they don’t want their children to feel like they are a burden to their parents. And it had me thinking, do my child/ren feel like a burden? I think they do, because that’s how I treat them. And as someone who grew up without feeling the love of a parent, it made me cry to think my child/ren might not feel loved by me. And I love them like crazy. Through all the depression, and yelling, I love them. So I want to work on finding the joy in my days, and make sure my child/ren feel my love.

This is for you, kiddo/s. ❤️